She is a Modern Epidemic

Hey Bryan,
I just wanted to say thanks for talking to me, seriously. You help more than you know. And I love that I can talk to you. I am sorry about everything, I know how you feel and if I ever get lots of money we can go somewhere far away. Ha-ha. You’re a super friend, and I wish you the best with things, those things, I hope that you are happy. Don’t let other people get in the way of how you feel. I’ve done that, it always seems to turn out bad. And thanks again, love. Really, you are an amazing person, and I love you.

HE CALLED. HE FINALLY CALLED ME. I ABOUT FUCKING DIED. I WAS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH AND I HEARD ERICA SAY LUKE AND STARTED TO CRY AND I GOT HER PHONE AND I COULDN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING. I JUST KEPT SAYING OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. I FINALLY GOT A HOLD OF MYSELF AND SAID HI HUN, AND HE SAID HE BABY HOW HAVE YOU BEEN I FINALLY GOT MY PHONE CALL. I STARTED TO CRY SO MUCH, AND WE TALKED FOR ABOUT A HALF HOUR BEFORE I EVEN MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT HIM CHEATING OR ASKING WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE I WAS SCARED. I WAS SO SCARED, AND THEN…I FINALLY ASKED I SAID JUST T ELL ME EVERYTHING.
AND SO HE DID. AND SO WE BROKE UP, AND WERE STILL FRIENDS. HE KEPT TELLING ME HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME AND THAT I WAS HIS BEST FRIEND AND HOW SORRY HE WAS FOR HURTING ME AND HOW HE HAD CALLED MY PHONE AND LEFT MSSAGES JUST TALKING TO MY VOICEMAIL. HE KEPT SAYING HE LOVED ME, AND THAT HE MISSED ME
HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS SORRY SO MANY TIMES, AND THAT HE HOPED WE COULD BE FRIENDS STILL, AND HE STILL WASN’T EVEN SURE HE WANTED TO BREAK UP WITH ME BUT HE DIDN’T WANT T O KEEP HURTING ME.
I ASKED HIM WHAT HE PLANNED ON DOING HONESTY ABOUT LEILANI AND HE SIAD HE THOUHGT HE WOULD TRY THINGS OUT WITH HER, AND SEE WHAT HAPPENED. I SAID OKAY, I ACTED LIKE THAT WAS FINE WITH ME. I SAID I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY, AND THA IS SO TRUE. BUT, IT STILL HURTS MORE THAN ANYTHING, AND I STILL GOT OFF THE PHONE AND THREW UP AND CRIED FOR ABOUT AN HOUR. HE TOLD ME THAT HE REGRETED GOING IN TO THE MILITARY AND THAT HE WISHED HE WOULD HAVE IETHER SATYED HOME WITH ME OR WENT TO COLLEGE. HE PUT ONE OF HIS FRIENDS ON THE PHONE AND THEY SAID THAT HE IS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT ME, AND THAT THEY WANTED ME TO FLY UP THERE FOR GRADUATION BUT THEY RAN OUT OF MONEY TO PAY FOR ME. HA-HA. I COULD HEAR SOMEONE YELL AT HIM “HEY SKATES, IS THAT HER?” AND HE SAID “YEA, IT’S FINALLY HER.” IT WAS SO HARD, BECAUSE HE COULD STILL MAKE ME LAUGH SO HARD, AND I COULD STILL JUST SIT THERE AND TALK TO HIM LIKE NOTHINHG HAPPENED. I MISS HIM SO MUCH.

HE ASKED ME IF IT WAS OKAY TO STILL TELL ME HE LOVED ME. I SAID OF COURSE. HE IS MY BEST FRIEND AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM. MORE THAN ANYTHING.
HE TOLD ME, PLEASE DONT STOP TALKING TO ME YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND DI, AND I DONT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU. HE SAID SORRY SO MANY TIMES, AND IF HE WOULD HAVE SAID LETS STAY TOGETHER I WOLD HAVE BEEN IN HEAVEN. IT’S LIKE I NEED HIM. I NEED HIM TO BE OKAY, AND IM NOT OKAY.
WE BROKE UP THE DAY AFTER OUR YEAR AND 9 MONTH ANNIVARSARY.
I HOPE HE IS HAPPY WI TH HER.
I HOPE THAT THIS IS WHAT HE REALLY WANTS.
I MISS HIM, AND I LOVE HIM.
AND MAYBE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER IF HE DIDN’T KEEP TELLING ME HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME AND MISSED ME.
IF HE DIDN’T KEEP SAYING HOW UNSURE HE WAS, AND HOW SORRY HE WAS THAT HE HURT ME.
I DONT KNOW.
I FEEL LIKE DYING.
HE TOLD ME HE WOULD CALL ME ON SATURDAY.
WE’LL SEE I GUESS.
HE ALSO SAID ONCE HE GETS OUT OF A-SCHOOL HE WANTs TO TAKE ME TO JAPAN.
THAT THERE IS NO ONE HE WOULD RATHER GO WITH THAN ME, NO MATTER WHAT WE ARE.
FRIENDS, OR MORE THAN THAT…I WANT HIM IN MY LIFE.

AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!



I had the creepiest dream last night.
Seriously, WTF.
I was staying in this house with like 20 people in the middle of nowhere
It was like, me and pearl, Erica, and Amy, and Elizabeth and well idk who else
But there were 2 houses other than the one we were in.
One was down about 100 feet and to the left of the house.
And the other one was behind us about 200 or 300 feet
And I saw someone I knew that was in the house behind us crawling out of a window
And I said I was going to go see if she was okay
So I told Erica to come with me because I didn’t want to go alone
And we were walking down and the house that was to the left had this guy sitting in the window facing to the side just staring
And there was a fence so we couldn’t get to the other house
So we stopped and she was like what do we do and I said I don’t know but there is a really creepy guy in the window
And she turned around to look and he was leaning over the porch like 2 feet from us and she started to scream and run
She said that she knew him
He was Asian and he was wearing red lipstick with like black lip liner and he had really freaking creepy eyes
And he was screaming Erica you have to come back there is someone who wants to talk to you
And I was running with Erica
And then this fucking guy like started to sprint at us.
And he caught up with Erica and grabbed her and picked her up so that her legs were wrapped around him
And he put her hands on his head and she started to scream like…
Idk like he was like draining her or something
And then ….okay I know this is weird…
But he grew two extra arms out of his left side and picked me up and did the same thing
And then he let us go and I couldn’t move I just laid there.
He went back to his house and came out with a really big black bag and picked us up and put us in it and dragged it to his house
And started to get little knives out and then he started to cut our stomachs open and I could feel it but I couldn’t make any noise or move
And he just like….reached his hand in and started to pull out organs and stuff.
Omg. I woke up after that and I had to turn on the lights because I was so fucking freaked out



AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!

I have decided that I want to join the Peace Corps.
Now, I don’t know if I will actually do it, but it is a serious consideration right now.
I really want to; I think that it would be an amazing opportunity.
My plan is to…
When I graduate I am still going to move to San Diego
And then
I am going to try and get some schooling in for photography
And after 2 or 3 years
I am going to join the Peace Corps.
I am so excited.
Oh my.
It’s something that I have really been thinking about lately.
Oh dear.



Dreams are dreams

Today is 1 year and 9 months.
Me and Luke [together] 1 year and 9 months.
Oh holy fuck.

Say nice things fuckers.
Before I stomp your nasty faces.
Minus the people in the “I Love you” post.
Sons a bitches.

[[[I Hate School]]]


♥ Awww, there was this little comment I got today, from Carmen’s brother, [my oh so cool new friend], and it was so niicee. It made me smile. I want to go home♥

I realized something at 3:30-ish yesterday afternoon. I became fully aware that I am still completely and absolutely still in love with Luke. That if he called me and was to say I did it, and I am sorry. I would say “Okay, baby. Let’s work things out.” That would be what happened. No if’s, ands, or buts about it.
So, I’ll tell you how I became so aware of this yesterday between 2:30 and 4:00 in the afternoon.
Well, I sat outside waiting for the mailman to come for about an hour. I just sat there on the curb and waited. He finally came at about 4:00 and he opened the mailbox, and put the mail in it, not even acknowledging that I was sitting there, and then he drove off. I got up, and I opened the mailbox…and nothing. What was I expecting….I mean seriously…silly me thinking I would actually get a letter.
So I went back inside and I laid on the bathroom floor for about an hour and cried. Not only because he didn’t write me, but because I am still in love with him.
It would be so much easier to hate him. To just forget all about him…
Like I have been pretending to do for the last 2 months.

But no, I have become so acutely aware that I won’t ever stop loving him.
That today at 3:00 I will be out waiting for the mail to get here again…
And I will open the mailbox, and there will be nothing.
I will sit there every day at 3:00 hoping, [hoping] is all I have left.

Is it really the 24th right now? Holy fuck. Luke is supposed to get out of boot camp today. What if he just doesn’t call me? What if he just doesn’t make any contact with me, am I supposed to wait for him, I am supposed to wait to talk to him.
You know we will have been together for a year and 9 months tomorrow.
Holy fuck.
Are we even still together? I don’t know.
How am I supposed to know, he doesn’t write me very often and when he does it just doesn’t mention the fact that he cheated on me!
Son of a bitch.

I think there is some curb stomping in order.
Don’t you?
Not just for him
Some for me too.
I am such a bitch,
God I fucking suck.

Wtf is wrong with me.
Why did I have to push him away, why was I possessive?
Because she was a BITCH!
I should have just let him do whatever he wanted to do.
I was a bitch.
Fuck me.
God. It’s probably all my fault that he cheated on me, if I let him talk to her maybe he wouldn’t have.
Omg. What if they had sex? I bet they did.
What the shit.
I hate this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a lighter note, I hung out with Bryan and Holden and leandra on Saturday and other people came too but I don’t remember all there names, and well I don’t really care…
But anyways, I pushed a shopping cart into the road. It was funny. I tell people not to tell me to do things, because I will. Ha-ha. Some black lady in her bitch escalade told us to get a life, and I wanted to tell her to fuck herself, but I didn’t.
//Bitch please//
We went to some metal show, and I felt like vomiting on their faces, because they sucked that much.

RAW RAW RAWWWWWW. Vomit. Puke. Puke. Eww.


Have a good day<3

I was sitting here thinking, about how I am not the person I want to be. That one day, it just sort of happened, that’s who I was and there was no turning back. It’s like a book, where the chapters just unfold in your head and you can’t wait to get to the next chapter and then bam, it’s the end of the chapter, then end of the book, and your wondering what just happened? You flew through it so fast, not thinking about it, not realizing that the end of the book was just a chapter away. The end of my book has come and gone. I wish that I would have read more carefully, I wish I would have paid more attention to details. I wish that I could have known the end was so soon. I would have re-read the whole thing, over and over. It’s just like a book, ya know…
Just read it and believe that the chapters will fly by, you just waiting to see what happens next, until those words you dread… the end.
I wish the ending to my book was different, I wish that it would have given me some kind of notice as to what was going to happen. My book is done, and I can’t even re-read it.
[Take your time, let the chapters unfold and mold your life into something amazing]
[[Pay attention to the details]]
[[[and don’t let your book end unless you’re sure you’re done reading]]

//Luke gets out of boot camp in 3 days//

//..I know that i have said i wanted luke to write me and just tell me the truth...//

I thought thats what i wanted, but now i am so scared to know what really happened,to know that he is going to call me and we have to talk about this. Its so hard. All those times he wrote me and didnt mention anything about it, i always got angry, but now i know that was just a sub-conscience feeling, and thats not what i want at all.
I want it all to just be forgotten, i want to never have found out. I want things to be how they were. I miss my boyfriend, I miss having him there for me all the time.

[[[ignorance really is bliss]]]

So, i am a liar, a hypocrite, a bitch, and a whore.

[Oblivion is my desire]

There is something wrong with me.
I dont know what it is...
but this morning i got up and went into the shower and when i went to get in I blacked out again...
and i woke up on the ground.
I am freaking out, and i didnt tell my roommates because they will get all freaked out and try and take me to a doctor and all that...and i dont want to.

I\'m just kind of scared....

i wish i knew what was wrong.